We are posting this page in response to the many contacts we've had from young women suffering from various stages of bulimia. Whether you are a young woman or man who is suffering, or a significant other in the life of a person suffering from this illness, this letter is for you.
Bulimia is not a trick to get attention. Bulimia is not a choice anyone makes. It is an illness. Just as cancer is an illness. Left untreated, bulimics will continue the cycle of depression, stress, and purging until they lapse into a coma and die. Let me repeat that for you--it will continue until the bulimic lapses into a coma and dies.
Bulimia is not a bid for any kind of attention. In fact, most bulimics go to great lengths to hide the illness once they realize it is drawing attention. This illness has nothing whatsoever to do with wealth, attention-getting, stupidity, lack of will, or punishment of loved ones. Bulimia has everything to do with needing help--serious, professional help.
Most bulimics are young women, but some young men develop the illness, too. Bulimics are typically high-achievers, usually do very well at school, participate in sports (usually multiple sports), are engaged in lots of activities and clubs, have an impossible time telling anyone no to any favor asked, never disappoint anyone, put their needs last, and are usually the "life of the party."
The fear that someone will be disappointed in them or blame them keeps bulimics in hiding. Even when the illness attacks them physically (they start losing their hair, their nails become brittle, their teeth hurt, their throat is sore all the time, their mouth has sores, their muscles ache, their stomach won't hold anything down anymore) they hide. The more attention they get, the better they get at concealing the illness.
What started out as an innocent bid to lose a few pounds creates a vicious cycle. They have a sense of accomplishment when the scale shows the loss. They might get compliments about how great they look. This spurs them to lose even more weight. Suddenly, from out of nowhere, the illness gains the control. They eat less or purge more. They lose even more weight. They are sure they can stop anytime, but by now, they can't.
When parents or friends notice, they deny anything is wrong. They lie about having eaten a lot. They convince everyone "they're fine." They start wearing baggy clothes. They eat in front of their parents (to shut them up) then run off to purge, take a laxative (to get rid of anything that possibly got in), and curl up somewhere to feel depressed and isolated. They don't tell siblings, best friends, or boyfriends. They have shame. They have guilt at a level most people cannot fathom. They are living in fear all the time.
Professional help is absolutely necessary. Therapy to deal with the stresses and depression that caused the problem is absolutely necessary.
Now, the realities for parents and loved ones:
Guilt stinks. The last thing a bulimic needs is guilt. They don't want to be sick. They didn't choose to be sick. They aren't faking. They aren't trying to get attention. So, lay off the guilt. Reassure the bulimic that it isn't their fault. Nobody blames them--and mean it!
Blame stinks. Don't blame anyone. It isn't your ex-husband's fault. It isn't your ex-wife's fault. It isn't the boyfriend's fault. It certainly isn't the bulimic's fault. Blame has no place in recovery.
Love matters. Total love helps recovery. Knowing that they haven't disappointed you matters. Knowing that you love them matters. Hearing it out loud is important. Assume nothing. Don't say to yourself that your son or daughter knows you love them. They need to hear it. They need to hear it a lot. They need to know that you still love them. The love they get from you and the rest of the people around them will help them recover and stay well. So, say it out loud. Say it a lot!
Support matters. Totally blameless, 100% support will help a bulimic really recover. Getting professional medical help is an imperative. Getting professional therapy is an imperative. This is not the time to question parenting skills. This is not the time to finger-point. This is the time to reach out to the bulimic, hold them close, and let them know that they have your support. 100% support.
Keep in mind that if you suspect your son or daughter or loved one is bulimic, they probably are. If they lie, it's part of the illness. They have no more control over it than if they had cancer. Left untreated, bulimia will cause permanent, life-long physical damage and can even cause coma and death. It's really that simple. Death is a reality for a bulimic left untreated or kept from seeking help.
If you suspect your loved one has bulimia, get serious professional medical help. Don't listen to denials. Let a professional determine the truth. Be prepared to be lied to. Be prepared to meet with resistance. Be prepared for tears, anger, rage, and every other ugly, frightening emotion from the bulimic. After all, the illness has taken away the control they thought they had. It is painful. It is terrifying. Even when they know they can't stop, they are terrified of stopping. Even when they are throwing up blood, their teeth are aching or falling out--they are terrified of disappointing everyone, of being blamed, of having everyone hate them for doing this thing. The fact is, they aren't doing it. The illness is.
So, since nobody blames a cancer patient for getting ill, bulimics should be treated with equal empathy and support.
|
